“…Karen a mother of three said, “I don’t think he realises how hard it is for me being both parents while he is away.” I asked her if she had spoken to him about it and she replied, “No, if he cared he would just know.” This feeling of overwhelm and resentment of being both parents was repeated many times during the conversations I had with FIFO families.
The question I am asked most is what are the best ways to communicate and how often.
Scott, a FIFO worker, confided that the only reason he made sure he rang every day was so that he could keep up with all the issues and let his partner debrief. His fear was that if issues arose, his wife and two young children would think he didn’t know what was going on or he didn’t care. Ann, who had been the stay at home FIFO partner for 16 years, said that she wouldn’t tell her husband everything that happened so as not to worry him—she just wanted to keep the peace.
Sharon is engaged to a FIFO worker and they have no children living at home with them. She described how they text first thing in the morning to say good morning, and then they may send a text or two during the day or an email. Then they text every evening, make sure they talk via the phone or Skype every night, and they text each other good night before they go to bed. They saw this as mirroring the type of communication they would have if they both had jobs where they came home each evening.
Paddy and I found our balance and continue to re-balance when changes happen, children grow, and a challenging time presents itself. We do not talk on the phone or Skype every day. In the beginning, we did, but as we adjusted to the time apart, we found we didn’t have to speak each day. Some days there was just nothing to say which made it uncomfortable for us. A concerned FIFO partner asked me during my research gathering process, “Is it bad not to want to or need to talk to my husband every day? I do love him.” “No,” I said, “I don’t think that is bad.”
Paddy and I quickly found that what worked pre-FIFO life didn’t continue to work. FIFO rosters demanded a change in the way we approached keeping in touch. One of the changes we had to get used to was regular technology use—like emails, Skype, Facebook, and texts. In the next chapter, with the help of an expert in the social media field, Anna Cairo, I share more solutions, benefits, and pitfalls on the instantaneous methods you have at your fingertips to communicate.
Calls that are made at the wrong time, when one of you is busy or distracted can lead to tension. When this happened for us, rather than saying, “I’m busy can I get back to you in a short while?” we tried to multi-task. I would hear Paddy typing on a keyboard or answering other calls while I was on the phone. When he rang early evening, he would hear me banging pots, nearly tripping over the dog and correcting Joseph’s pronunciation of a word from a school reader. Neither of us was really listening, which led to hanging up feeling frustrated and disheartened.
Things worked better for us when we set aside time to for calls or texted first to see if the other was free. This way we could be completely (or mostly) present and have our 100 per cent (or 95 per cent) attention on each other. I assure you it was felt on the other end of the line in a positive way.
This led to us being able to share our concerns and feelings with each other more openly. There were times I had to ask Paddy to listen more rather than jump into thinking he understood what I was saying or offering an opinion and solution straight up. John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, summed up my point when he said, “Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.”
When a person is heard, they feel valued and appreciated. You may or may not be interested—that is beside the point. The point is to allow our loved ones to feel validated because we are truly listening. This is good for them, good for you and is good for the relationship. It avoids many misunderstandings that can happen due to the separation of FIFO lifestyles. Listening without judgement and criticism will make the distance more bearable and everyone will feel more connected.
A Greek Stoic philosopher, Epictetus, once said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” I would like to see more people use this as the number one rule of good conversation.
I have been in positions where I knew what I was saying was not properly heard. In those moments, I distrusted the other person and felt unworthy. I know from being a talker and a quick thinker, there are times others have felt unheard by me as I jump in mid sentence or get distracted. I know because my daughter Danielle and my best friend Gail have told me at the time. I am grateful for their honesty—later. A coaching colleague many years ago shared with me what he does when he wants to jump in. He reminds himself that the person who is speaking to him is telling their story. He just needs to stop and listen to their story. His story, and advice, can wait.
Numerous FIFO family issues are a product of not listening well or not feeling heard. A huge amount of time is spent in this area when I work with couples for relationship coaching. The comparing trap we spoke about in the previous chapter is top of the list. Only half listening and interrupting comes next. One person always having to be right, follows this closely. Then there are those that keep changing the subject because they are not interested in what the other person is saying.
Interesting statistics on listening identify that we may only be listening at a 25 per cent comprehension rate. Considering that 85 per cent of what we know we have learned from listening, imagine if we listened better and took in more of what others were saying. Being listened to properly is the difference between having a sense of acceptance or isolation. It says to the person speaking, I value you and you matter….”
Kirsty