An Excerpt from Separated by Work by Kirsty O’Callaghan
…I once read a quote, “True love doesn’t mean being inseparable; it means being separated and nothing changes.” What a load of rubbish. This quote is not as feel good as it first appears to be. For those already in FIFO, including me, it can induce feelings of relationship inadequacy because we are separated by work and everything does change. 50 shades of away has no time for unrealistic ideas of what true love and passion should or could be.
People who do enjoy realistic health and sanity in their relationships understand a relationship cannot be what makes their lives full—it complements, it adds to, but it can never complete or fill what is empty space. Many people get in a relationship and start to devote their every waking moment to their partner. Then when the pressures of life and FIFO kick in, their entire world falls apart.
For FIFO relationships to be functional and healthy, we have to have our own goals and passions, as well as joint ones. We have time away for ourselves to explore our own interests. 50 shades of away knows that nothing is sexier than a man or woman who is interesting, passionate, and capable of holding his or her own. There is no greater turn off than clingy desperation.
Still, distance can be intolerable for most of us at some point, especially in the beginning. The need to be physically close to our partners is strong and we think it is the only way to increase emotional closeness and connection. I felt like that for the first year. I remember what I missed most in the beginning was touch. That touch on my back when we walked into a room or building together, the touch on my shoulder as Paddy walked past where I was sitting, the touch on my lower back as he came into the kitchen to see what I was cooking, and the touch of his hand in mine. My levels of oxytocin dropped dramatically when our FIFO lifestyle began.
Oxytocin is known as the bonding and trust hormone, or the love hormone. The brain produces it when we touch another in a caring way. Scientific research indicates that this hormone has specific abilities to balance social behaviour, including effects on motherly care and aggression. It encourages bonding between couples, induces feelings of being part of a group, and increases trust. Oxytocin also reduces stress responses, including anxiety.
Not being able to hold our family members and be close physically can heighten feelings of isolation, loneliness, or distrust during FIFO swings. Once I realised this, I made sure I hugged friends and my kids more often and shook lots of hands while Paddy was away to get my boost of oxytocin. When he was home on R & R, we made producing this hormone a priority.
There are couples who adapt immediately into the FIFO experience and comfortably allow the distance and time apart to enhance emotional closeness and connection to their partners.
Neither is right or wrong, different people have different experiences. Culturally I think we are programmed by TV, movies, social media, magazines, books, friends, and family into the belief that the ideal romantic couple remain physically together, and any time apart should be intolerable. Those that have that belief feel impatient, unloved, and disconnected. The people who haven’t bought into society’s expectations tend to be more patient, calm, and secure.
This chapter is dedicated to keeping your relationship healthy while in FIFO. This doesn’t mean problem-free by any stretch of the imagination. Paddy and I have arguments, we annoy each other, don’t really listen to the other sometimes, sometimes lack empathy, understanding and consideration, and we go through our share of relationship issues during our experience of FIFO. But we have learned a few healthy habits so we can blow off steam and frustration in a fashion that doesn’t undermine the integrity of our relationship. We have learned to fight fair for our relationship and stay honest at the same time.
Overall, I have discovered that being separated by work does not create marital issues, issues with friends, or strained relationships with family and children. Your relationship can survive and thrive, and has as much chance as any other couple. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t unique challenges that marriages and relationships in FIFO face. What it does mean is that if there are already underlying rifts or problems in your relationships, especially with your partner, FIFO will bring these out and magnify them.
When I questioned people who were in the FIFO lifestyle about their relationships with partners, friends and family, the top nine responses included –
- “Some days we have nothing in common anymore. All we do is complain and compare like we are in a competition as to who has it the hardest.”
- “Relationships can be challenging, they need constant work to ensure cohesiveness.”
- “I feel there is a lack of appropriate opportunities to address relationship issues in FIFO.”
- “Sometimes I miss her so much, and other times I find myself getting too used to living on my own.”
- “I wish he would realise when he comes home it may be a holiday for him but day to day life goes on for me and I need some R & R too.”
- “I feel so left out, left out of the lives of my kids and the life of my wife. They all seem to be living life and sometimes I am out of step or don’t feel like I fit in.”
- “I have no one to talk to at night, to debrief about my day or acknowledge that my day was great or awful. This leaves me feeling unimportant and insecure sometimes.”
- “My family and friends are an okay source of support, but don’t really get FIFO.”
- “Friends don’t seem to understand what its like being on your own all the time and then when your partner is home you don’t really want to get together with them as family time is precious.”
A typical theme within FIFO couples was competitiveness around their roles and responsibilities. Who is doing the most, enduring the most and under the most pressure? I have yet to find a reliable, one size fits all, measure of who is doing it the toughest or the easiest. I do find there is never a 50/50 split of responsibility—in any relationship….
Kirsty –
To get your copy of Separated by Work click here.